No Longer Remaining Silent

March 30, 2011, will make 3 months since this blog began. I decided to begin blogging to comment on things that are transpiring in my life and the church. Through these blogs,  I want to ensure that my voice be my voice--speaking frankly and candidly on subjects that arise. The primary reason I am telling you my readers this is because I do not want anyone to assume I am bashing anyone. Yet, we should exhort and rebuke in love as the bible declares. This means, I do not want to diminish my ability to write about the things that are on my mind or the freedom for you to respond to it. Also, my heart has been prompted to share a piece of my heart  because I do not reveal much when it comes to my inner feelings. The scars that the Lord healed me from are not forgotten because they are testimonies of what Christ has done. I will make no pretences of perfection because we are all sinners saved by His grace.

Around the early part of 2000, I was talking to an old friend of mine on the phone. It was my second semester in college and her son came into the house while we were speaking. He was making fun of a little girl around his age (nine or ten). I asked my friend what was going on and she told me that he and some of the kids in their neighborhood had seen her father molesting her. I told her this was not funny because she knew the struggles I went through with my father and what he tried to do to me. She then proceeded to tell her son that he should not make fun of the little girl. I asked her to call the police or social services on behalf of this child so they could investigate the matter. She replied that her husband "would get upset with her for getting into the neighbors affairs." I begged her to do something even to call anonymously. I even tried to call social services but got nowhere because I didn't know her last name or house number (they were in the Bahamas and I was in Savannah, GA hundreds of miles away). I called her back the next day and begged her for at least half an hour  and she told me that she would speak to a mutual family friend about what she had heard.

Well she lied to me. She never made any effort to help this little girl. It was only after so many things that she had done over the years, that led me to question her integrity, and asked her about the little girl in a recent e-mail. Could you imagine the shock and the realization of someone that I have a shared faith with, whom I have interacted with for over 21 years, would not help a child, whom is in many cases I feel is a younger version of myself. I have been where this child was.  Some part of me feels as if I have failed. Should I have dropped my courses and returned home to see about this matter? Have I become too trusting in the wrong people? I struggle to have the right words because this whole process is to Glorify God by removing the shadows that still hinders and the darkness that still pervades. I sit here lamenting this tragedy and feeling an indescribable oppression, which seems to generate in some familiar part of me. This anguish like a shadow threatens to strangle the familiar love that I have for this person. And in this discovery I pause for thought and prayer.

In our exchange, she sought to silence me by telling me that God had forgiven her and she will no longer will walk in her past. "The devil will not steal my blessings." By also stating that the Lord should have healed me of all my "mess" and that "my main concern should be to my husband and daughter;" in many ways her heart was revealed to me. She deceived me for eleven years and what was more revealing is that she never wanted to help this child (who is now 21 years old) and hindered the process of her ever receiving help. If she had told me she was not going to get involved under any circumstances, I would have sought other avenues. I know there is nothing I can do about it now, but the lack of remorse and shame shows there is no moral conviction. How can a Christian for years look past the home of this child and not be moved to act? How can she watch this child play with her son and not feel a pang of regret? I do not have the answer, but a fearful expectation of judgment for my part.

I did not write this article to claim victimization and seek pity. The one thing I have learned is that silence kills who you are and fosters an illegitimate you when you're forced to speak in frustration. I will no longer hide my shame because I fear unfriendly exposure. There are so many people who have known me for years and do not know that I carry this secret and many more. I will not be silenced any longer.

To answer the question did God heal me of my 'mess?' Yes, but I still bear the scars on my soul and my flesh. It is hard when a child is molested because it tears away not only the trust you have with other human beings but the one you have with God. This is a sin that destroys the whole person, and even when we come to Christ we are not miraculously healed overnight. Am I healed one hundred percent? No! I can honestly say seventy-five percent. Am I lacking faith by declaring this number?  No! I believe the Lord left the scars while covering me in His righteousness so that I can continuously learn of His power, by leaning on Him in my weakness, while learning what it means to care for the afflictions of others.

In me at this moment, is only a deep longing of waiting to experience joy in my whole self, not compartmentalized, and if I have to wait until His appearance to do so, so what? Let His will be done.